PETA Prefers Kittens to Fish


Posted by R.K. Gella

Perhaps the shock value wasn’t as entertaining anymore.  Maybe the images of skinned seals, slaughtered cattle and chickens caged to the point of asphyxiation just wasn’t getting to the public’s stomach the way it used to.  Could it be that organized assaults and spray paint showers have become unfashionable?

This must be case, for PETA deployed a new persuasion against the capture and consumption of fish.

People don’t seem to like fish. They’re slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least.

We’re going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it’s time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

Sea kitten.  Fish are now supposed to be referred to sea kittens?  It makes you wonder whose brainstorming over there.

Have you ever laid eyes on a monkfish?  It looks like a bizarre cross breed of an alien frog species and a vintage messenger bag.  There’s no way you could ever confuse it with a kitten.  It’s a delicious fish, hailed as the poor mans lobster for its divine succulence, but it doesn’t contain the slightest resemblance or personality of a kitten.  The sheer sight of it could be enough to dissuade you from eating it… maybe even more so than a kitten.

For the rest of the unfortunate looking aquatic animals out there PETA hasn’t forgotten about you.  PR is on its way.  Squid: renamed sea bunnies.  Crabs: sea hamsters.  Who could whack a sea hamster with a mallet?  And lobsters are now sea ponies.

In a related story, City Crab and Seafood in Manhattan, petitioned by PETA, pardoned a 140-year-old sea pony from their tanks on Sunday.  George, the crustacean’s nickname given by the restaurant staff, was released into Maine waters to live out his remaining years.  PETA said the next step would be to “ban catching [sea ponies] completely.”

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